Becoming who I already am

I closed my past posting by saying,

"Maybe the next big journey should be the one the Spanish call un Viaje Interior, a journey inside. The road least traveled, the spiritual voyage of faith we are invited to undertake each Lent that leads to the discovery of God within."


Well it's not lent, but it is Ramadan . . . so I decided to follow my own counsel. It was wonderful. Just me and God, then . . .

"To be what you want to be, you must give up being what you are.Yusef Islam (formaly Cat Stevens . . . .

"We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are," Max DePree.

And the words of Jesus, 'If you want to find your life, you must lose it.'

Party Pooppers!

So.

What do I want to be?

The words bounced like thunder around the mountains of my mind. Despite all the self awareness courses I had been on I had no idea, in that moment, what I wanted to be, or what I needed to stop being in order to become it. All I wanted was some warm fuzzy time with God. To give him the benefit of my undivided attention for a while. Is that too much to ask God?

Like it or not, my viaje interior has started to kick in - and I didn't like it.

Was there anything holding me back? I searched my mind. My first thought was of the memory of my youngest daughter who died of natural causes just 4 days before her 20th birthday. She is in my every thought, still, so was God going to ask me to leave her memory behind as I moved on?

I went to sleep heavy hearted.

Then out of the blue this morning He showed me a burning bush. He began to show me how, in returning to my old life here in NZ, I had tried to pick up the mantle of my old reputation - and this was chaining me to a past which, though very rewarding, was none the less, past.

To move on all I needed to stop being was 'Mr Got it all together'. Simple!

For the first time I felt myself peeping under the covers of my own ego

But now I'm 'Mr Got it all, but not sure how to put it together. Oh well, back to the viaje. Maybe I should throw in a little fasting this time, just to make sure!